Mile 29

Life, one mile at a time.

Terrible Sunrise

The nights are torture. My dreams tear at me and when I wake, you are gone. You haven’t been there for some time but the pain and the hurt are fresh. It feels as if you abandoned me, even though I know that is far from the truth of things. Yet when I wake the first thing which greets me are tears and an overwhelming sadness which makes me bitter.

The sunrise isn’t pretty or refreshing, it is a reminder that I will have to live another day without you. Maybe even worse, with you. With seeing you happy and giving hugs to everyone but me. Seeing you laugh and smile with everyone but me. It kills me to see you wipe away our time together like it meant nothing.

I am sorry, but it’s not enough.

It never will be. And nor will I.

Hidden Calm

There is a calm hidden in everyone. It is under the snow and the rain and the hail. It is a leaf the color of sunset lying on the ground and teetering in the wind. It is a flower opening petals toward the sun and brushing off the morning dew as it stretches for the sky. It is the sapling of a pine tree breaking through moist ground and preparing to plant its roots in an unknown place for the rest of its life.

Yet in our short lives we focus on the storm and how each moment is different and more chaotic than the last. Our memories are drawn to the frantic attempts to catch our breath before it is beaten out of us again and we find ourselves pressed against the bottom of the ocean and drowning. Drowning one mouthful of bad decisions at a time. Drowning one forever second at a time. Drowning till we we are discarded on a beach with tears in our eyes and more water in our lungs than air.

Lets come back to the calm. Let our eyes watch the colors change on clouds as the sun rises. Let us fight our pain and broken hearts one long deep breath at a time. Let us drive past the memories which ravage our soul and focus on the ones which are serene and happy. Allow Love to soak into the skin and through the veins to a place where it used to reside. Let it take root and nurture it.

An End, A Beginning.

When I was young time passed by in minutes and hours. Homework would take me thirty minutes and then I would read for thirty minutes and then I would go over to my friends for an hour or two. Chores would take an hour or two on the weekends and so on and so forth.

Then I started to view life in days. I had school five days a week and I was free for two days. This developed to include work as well. I would attend school four days a week, my first job five days a week and my second job three days a week. Repeat till weeks become months and months become years and years fade to black. Congratulations. Welcome to adult hood where everyone focus’s on the forty year plan and they forget about building forts. Where we trade our time for bills instead of building memories. Where we are so concerned about how far we go we don’t see the bridges we have burned or the hearts we have trampled.

I have lost too much sleep dreaming about the world around me. Dreaming and praying for certain things to happen and for someone to lift their head and care. I have been doing all the wrong things. I have been swimming up river waiting for someone or something to come along. Now I am drowning, too tired to keep swimming on. I have learned my lesson and on this day, my life changes.

I am no longer counting on the world around me to change. I am no longer letting my voice fall on deaf ears of waiting for someone to pluck the strings on my heart. I want my dreams and my actions to last even after I am gone. I want my words and actions to leave vibrations in peoples lives when I am no longer in sight, when they can no longer hear my voice.

While I am still here my voice will be heard in the darkest of lives and in the shadows of bright ones. I will show the world the dark corners of my soul and finally open this cage made from bones. Tread carefully, it doesn’t like the light.

You and I

Missed are the days we used to have. Missed are the days we used to live life to the fullest. We used to be one but no longer. Now it is You and I.

It started when I walked down brightly light corridors and peeked through glass doors into the rooms beyond. Dreams and aspirations unfolded before my eyes. I was entranced by the possibilities behind the thin transparent barriers. They felt soo close, as if I could reach through and grasp them.

Then You called after me, requesting I bring one back for us to enjoy. I tried to search for keys to open the doors but I found none. I tried to break the glass but even my strongest blow was futile.After some time, You called after me again. Except this time, I could feel anger and frustration in Your voice like barbed wire across my skin. I continued in my attempts to open the doors but was greeted with failure at every turn. Soon the brightness of the doors forced my gaze to the floor. I tried to look up. I tried to believe I held the key to any of these doors but I didn’t. All I could do was stare at the fruit of my failures made tangible in the form of crimson blood splattered on the ground.

The contrast was too much for my eyes and heart to bare. Besides You were better off without me.I shuffled my feet further down the corridor where the walls were darker and the blood from my battered hands less visible. Gradually the hallway dimmed like the sky when the sun fades beyond the horizon. Soon I found myself in darkness. The tips of my broken outstretched hands leading the way. My shuffling feet slowed their steps and I dared a look over my shoulder. A pinprick of light shone like a single star in the vast emptiness of black space. My mind recalled the images behind the glass doors and my shoulders began to twist to face the light. The corridor abruptly halted. There, at the end, was a single door indistinguishable from the blackness around me.

A pinprick of light shone like a single star in the vast emptiness of black space. My mind recalled the images behind the glass doors and my shoulders began to twist to face the single point of light. As I began to turn, pain shot through my arms and the weight of failure settled firmly on my shoulders. I began to shuffle along once more, the tiny spark of light set behind me.

After some time, my hands jammed against something abruptly. I felt around timidly. There, at the end, were three walls indistinguishable from the blackness around me with a single door at the end of an endless corridor. I dropped my head as defeat greeted me once more. My chin came to rest on something cold and hard. Instinctively my hand reached up. A key hung around my neck on a piece of rope which felt less like a necklace and more like a noose.

My fingers explored the surface of the key, feeling its sharp edges and smooth hilt. With dread, I pulled the key from around my neck. I knew in that moment, I had found the one door I could open. Where I thought I deserved to be. The tumblers of the lock echoed in the silence. Secretly I wished the key wouldn’t work. I longed for the brightly lit corridors and glass doors and wished I would have turned back the noose was yet around my throat. The bolt retracted with a metallic click and the last sliver of hope vanished. I opened the door and walked in.

My world became bright again and there, standing before me was You. Oh, how I had missed You. I reached out but my arms were cemented by my side. I tried to speak, but my lips never parted. All I could do was follow You with my gaze as You closed the distance between us.

“What a fool.” You said. Your anger echoing in my mind like razorblades. “What a naive child who knows nothing about reality. Hands and head always filled with silly dreams of success. See where it has led? See the lives destroyed? How blindly following a naive child toward aspirations set too high is dangerous? Of course not. Too busy trying to capture the clouds. Eyes which never shift gaze from the stars above can’t see the effects on those behind. Well, see this Dreamer of Clouds. The lives of those we loved were better off before weak hands ushered them along the cliffs edge. Blindly did they walk, following the footsteps of their leader. Right off the cliff they went with false idea’s of success, and happiness.”

The floor turned a milky white followed by the walls and roof. Suddenly I was falling. There was no ground below, just endless sky and clouds. As I fell, You just stood there, a disappointed look spreading across Your face as you spoke.

“Enjoying it now? Share in their fate. Let the wind silence naive words and let dream inspired actions never be followed again. Embrace this illusion while more capable hands remove the debris from our damaged life.” With those final words, You were gone and I was alone once more.

My muscles vibrated with fear as tears froze on my cheeks. All I wanted was to make a difference in people’s lives. To help open people’s eyes to the possibilities of change. I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want to hurt You.

Time passed. Fear subsided. Clouds drifted.

Tears shattered. Hands healed. Heart hardened.

I became comfortable with the silence and absence of action. Then I was no longer falling and You were back. To be more exact I was back and no longer trapped in my illusion. I was sitting on a bench in an unfamiliar city and You were next to me. I stared unbelieving at You. It had been a long time but I could tell instantly there was something different about You. Your eyes did not shine with determination like they used to nor was Your pressence as strong as it had been. Most notably, Your hands and body were scarred almost beyond recognition. I could have cried for You if I still knew how.

“You and I are together again. It has been a long time since we have talked. Missed are the days we used to have. Missed are the days we used to live life to the fullest.” I say under the noise and clamor of the world.

” We used to be apart but no longer. It is us against the world and this time we won’t fail.”


The Time Has Come My Friend

The time has come my friend,

To rest your weary head,

Take to the sky and ascend,


I dare not lie or pretend,

A piece of my heart has fled,

The time has come my friend,


This mortal world you shall transcend,

With words unwritten and unread,

Take to the sky and ascend,


I can not begin to comprehend,

The love left you have spread,

The time has come my friend,


Under the earth you shall descend,

With the angels you now tread,

Take to the sky and ascend,


These mournful hearts left behind will mend,

After tears of loss and love are shed,

The time has come my friend,

Take to the sky and ascend.

Life is Temporary

I came across this quote not long ago, “Life is temporary. Work is temporary. One day, you will be incredibly successful at whatever you choose to do with your life. While that day may be difficult to imagine right now, start fighting for your future.” As the new year began, I started thinking about all I had, and hadn’t, accomplished in the last year. The words “Life is temporary” somehow kept rolling around my head. I was sipping on a chai latte at Macy’s, a local coffee shop, watching as people began their day when those words invaded my serenity. I couldn’t help but to imagine a clock ticking above each one of our heads, counting down the minutes before we expired.

I could visualize in my mind’s eye, a camera poised above the street and zooming out. People became ants crawling across the sidewalks. I wondered how many were going to work, or getting off of a night shift. My stomach tightened as I contemplated the number of hours I would spend working this year. All those hours and what do I get in return? I get to starve my way out of student loans and deprive myself of sleep. This too is temporary. The stress, the lack of sleep, the pointlessness are all a stepping stone for greater things in my future. There are lessons to be learned now and mistakes to be made before I continue down my path.

I have found it easy to become discouraged when I fail to achieve unrealistic goals. These failures blind me to the progress I have made and keep me from seeing the smaller success’s. I might not be at my target weight, but I am on my way. I may not be making money at doing what I love, but I still have the opportunity to do it. I might not have made a difference in the world, but I have made a difference in the lives of my friends and family.

“Start fighting for your future.” It is easy to think of the future as a time far away, one year or five years from now. In reality, it can be just a few seconds. When you wake up tomorrow, will you be thankful for the things you accomplished today?




Like A Mountain

Think of life like a mountain.
It is your own personal mountain, and the people you meet will either help you climb it, or try to drag you down. You can walk around the mountain, climb straight up, or take an indirect route to the top. Each path will vary in difficulty. If you go straight to the top, it’s going to be a tough climb and the chance of getting hurt is close to 100%. But the reward is you get to experience the beautiful view from the top for longer.
The indirect route allows you to experience more of the forest and its beauty. It is still difficult and challenging and you might loose sight of the mountaintop for a while. Eventually, your goal reveals itself through the branches of the canopy overhead and you are back on track. This path is beautiful, but you will have a shorter time to appreciate the view from the top.
If you stay at the bottom and never attempt to climb the mountain then you will grow weak from inactivity. The forest grows around you and soon you loose sight of the mountain altogether. Eventually, the mountain becomes an impossible childhood dream. The body, mind and soul grow ever weaker under the encroaching branches.
The mountain is still there though and when you begin fighting and climbing, the body and soul will hurt. These pains are not bad, they are required to grow and gain strength. We begin building up our strengths; mind, body and soul as we climb because even if we take the indirect route, the top of the mountain will be difficult.
It will test us in ways we never dreamed of when we were at the bottom. We will have to jump over chasms, traverse narrow ledges and pull ourselves along cracks only our fingertips can feel. The body will protest, but the mind will persist and our soul will remain strong because we have grown and fought for ever step.
The climb up the mountain trains us, just as life teaches us. We learn how to survive, who to love and who not to love, what we like and what we don’t like. We come to know how to treat people, and how we want to be treated. Life teaches all of us. Some lessons are harder than others, but there will come a time when we are glad for those hard lessons because it has made us tough. It has strengthened us in the long run.
Then one day, you will crest the top of your mountain, tired and scared. Your gaze will rise from the rocks under your feet and hands to the view laid out before you. Stretching from horizon to horizon will be a scene more beautiful than anything you have witnessed before.

Greater Success at Achieving your Goals

The darkness can be overwhelming, smothering any light trying to shine. Know there is hope and even though it may not seem like it. It is during these moments when persistence, dedication and routine can make all the difference. Persistence is the act of continuing on a course even when challenges block the way. Especially when feeling depressed or beaten, this is when we want to quit. The mind can come up with a thousand different excuses as to why we should relinquish our commitment to our task. Humans have this innate ability to rationalize.

Persistence is the act of continuing on a course even when challenges block the way. Especially when feeling depressed or beaten, this is when we want to quit. The mind can come up with a thousand different excuses as to why we should relinquish our commitment to our task. Humans have the innate ability to rationalize, but we do so for two reasons. We either convince ourselves because we fear pain, or we want pleasure. The concept of persistence becomes valuable during this interaction.

The concept of dedication becomes valuable during this interaction. It forces us to take a step back and evaluate our actions. Why am I spending time shopping for food when I can just grab something quick on the way home? It is because my goal is to eat healthier. The mind will try to rationalize; “Well it’s only this one time.” “I don’t have time to cook every day.” “It pointless to cook for only one person.” In this example, the mind is coming up with excuses in order to alleviate the pain or uncomfortable feeling of being out shopping instead of at home on the couch.

We can use this to our advantage. By establishing a routine, of both thought and actions we have the ability to make lasting change. Instead of looking at going to the grocery store with dread and fear, make it a fun experience. Incorporate a friend or two and have fun while searching for what you need for your weekly meals. Maybe call a friend and catch up while grabbing the few things you need, or even toss in some headphones and listen to your happy songs. Music has tremendous power over influencing feelings and emotional states. By associating fun acts and a happy mood with certain tasks, we change our view of the act from negative to positive. Over a fairly short period of time, you will find that your subconscious will no longer try to rationalize against the act, but for the act.

Break it down: Dedicate yourself to a goal. Know the reasons why you want to achieve that specific goal. Persist and establish a routine which will assist you in accomplishing your goal.

For The Last Time

A friend of mine showed me a quote which read, “I wonder how many places I have visited for the last time?” She and I were having lunch together and I immediately asked her to send me the quote so I could revisit the idea when I could focus my full attention on it. It is an overwhelming concept. To think of how many places in your life you will never revisit. The ones that come to my mind are my childhood home, my elementary school and middle school. The number of places is so numerous it is difficult to wrap my head around.

The inverse is even more staggering. To think there is, at least, a thousand places I haven’t seen for every place I have. It is too much to fathom and yet it is oddly inspiring. It drives me to reconsider my priorities. If I only had a year left to live, it wouldn’t be enough to visit all the places I would like to see, or to do the things I want to experience.

More important is the concept of conscious appreciation. To pay attention to the beauty of each moment. One day it will be the last time and the transition between “everyday occurrence” and “never again” will pass us by without the merest hint of change. The realization that we may never set foot in our home again, or hear the voice of a loved one, or see our friends smile should be sobering. Yet how often do we say “good-bye” and take for granted we will see them again. I wonder how many good-byes I have said for the last time.


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